Security

I just picked up my current book, “Finding Your Way Home” by Melody Beattie.  The more I read this; and so far I’ve only read the same two or three chapters – the more I believe that this is one of the MOST important healing and spiritual growth books that’s crossed my path.  Believe me, I’ve read a lot!

 

Security.  What do we think of when that word comes to mind?  Right now for me that means having enough money to maintain my house and pay my bills. 

 

Although at present I am not currently employed in a paying job, I am secure. I AM SAFE. I am not going to lose my house next week.  I have enough to buy food and pay my bills. Even though I know the clock is winding down on the money I have, I KNOW that I AM provided for.  God will never leave me stranded.   Everything  IS OK.

 

Security.  I realize that this   w-h-o-l-e  Lowe’s issue, the relentless drive to get back there is a security issue.  It is what I know, it is where there was some modicum of  familiarity. Even in its unpredictability with scheduling, it was something I knew.  I thought that if I got rehired, everything would be OK.  I believed that I could do nothing else…, that I wasn’t worthy of anything else.

 

In truth I AM WORTHY of a lot more. 

 

There is a line in the book:  “When I become afraid and try frantically to know the future, it’s usually a cover-up to mask the fact that I’ve begun dreading life and I think there’s nowhere left to go.  I try to change things in the exterior world so I won’t have to feel my own heart.  I try to hold onto the past so that I won’t have to go into the void. Each time I allow myself to go into that void, the future holds something I couldn’t imagine.  By the time I get there, I’m different. The world is different.  It’s not the world I’m in today and I am not the person I am now when I get there.  I’ve changed, and the changes in me change my perspective on the entire event.”

 

The cat is crying at the door to the living room.  I don’t usually let him in but I go and crack open the door.  He hesitates; inches forward, pulls back.  Despite his insistence that this is where he wants to go – he’s afraid to cross the threshold. 

 

Hmmmm…, this seems to be where I have been with the whole career situation.  I knew that I wanted something different but afraid to go for it.  I was trying to get back to where I was, to where I felt secure, but that’s not where I am supposed to be.  I have been too stubborn to see that.  Despite all the reminders from everyone, the constant admonishments, “Bev, you NEED to take a look at this.”   I resisted.  Nope, I was right, I was certain that I would get that job back but now I know differently. 

 

Mentally I am imagining the door to Lowe’s CLOSED.  Beside it is another door.  (We know that when God closes one door, another one opens for there are no vacuums in nature.)  This other door is cracked open.  Even though I can’t see inside, I KNOW that it is a better path than the one I was on.

 

I am choosing to take the path behind the cracked-open door.  It feels wonderful!

 

B

 

Shedding

Reminders of what’s actually happening in our lives can show up in different forms from many sources. While gazing at a tree recently,  I received such a prompting.

There is an ancient holly tree in my front yard.  As a portion of the house was built in 1790, without actually cutting the tree down, I have no idea how long it has been here.  I know that because of its size it has stood sentinel for well over a hundred and fifty years.  I often see it as it providing shelter for both horses and humans in the heat, stretching its long arms in a protective umbrella.

Each year at precisely this time, mid to late April, it begins a transformation.  A holly is not deciduous; a tree which sheds its leaves in the fall.  Like everything else in nature, though, at some point it must slough off  the old and renew. 

Some of the leaves turn yellow and drop off.  At first I thought the tree was dying!  I threw fertilizer around and prayed with arms around my aged friend as far as I could reach. Then I noticed something;  the tree was starting to grow tiny clusters of flower buds!  About 2 weeks later they bloomed into a fragrant symphony…, only what I can describe as the smell of an Oriental incense.

This was my reward!  A delight to my nose, I’d run into the yard, filling my lungs with the smell at every chance.  My spirits lifted.  I eagerly awaited each return home from outings, just so I could smell the sweet perfume, which would light my entire body up.  It was the scent of Spirit at work!

As I sit here now, the tree once again is getting ready to open those delicious buds.  Next week should be the time; it always seems to happen the first week of May.  I am reminded of my own journey, my own transformation unfolding in and around me every day.  Like the tree, I will spread my arms wide and embrace the change, whatever that may be.  I know I am protected and guided to my next best step.

Blessed be,

B H  4/26/08

Bubbling Up

In our human lives we have been wounded.  All of us, at one time or another, have felt the sting of the arrow of rejection, humiliation, sorrow or anger.  Like volcanoes it erupts to the surface, sometimes over something petty.  Perhaps it is at an inappropriate time or with surprising force.  It screams, “LOOK AT ME!  You are not FINISHED with me!”  Memories are jarred loose only to come barreling down the mountain in an avalanche which leaves us asking, “Where did this come from?”

I had an instance like this recently.  A comment from a friend, which was not unkind in any way, resulted in an overreaction on my part.  In weeks prior, my sensitivities had been heightened, but this seemed to be the event which pitched me off the deep end.  I went into full tilt ‘feel sorry for myself’ mode. All my old programming came up;  I was no good, worthless, alone, lost and scared.  Because I believed this at the moment,  I started to literally chuck pieces of my existing life; lighten the load, throw out all the ballast, I began dumping exterior responsibilities, abandoning interests and in general, acting irrationally.

I was, for a time, out of my mind.

I got a book yesterday.  One paragraph stands out and is RIGHT ON with what happened and I began to see the healing that needed to happen.

 

“I began to notice with increasing frequency that soon after an emotion or memory was ready to be released, something would happen to bring it up in the present moment.  For instance, if the emotion that came up was rejection from twenty years ago,  something would happen that would create or cause me to feel rejected.  I would feel the present-day rejection, but it would be an exaggerated response, an overreaction, to the present circumstances.  If I let the emotion surface and was willing to dig deeper, the current feelings and the emotions from the past would be released and healed, too.”

Melody Beattie…..”Finding Your Way Home – A Soul Survival Kit”

 

A friend brought up an interesting thought.  Being that I have been doing a lot of detox sessions, it only follows that the detox continues into the emotional.  That may sound a bit far out to some of you.  I don’t think so. Of late I have had to rearrange the way I look at and deal with things.  I’ve gotten my priorities all screwed up. Part of the ‘abandon ship’ mode was to get me back on track.

 

During the past year I have focused totally on promoting the local food movement and the farmer’s market.  I had been absorbed in it every single day, sometimes for hours on end.  I was obsessed with getting everything right; getting the message out there.  My chiropractor asked me the other day during my breakdown blubbering session in his office, how much of ME  have I paid attention to?  I have been so intent on outward expressions; the success of the local ‘veggie van’, finding a job, expressing myself ‘as’ e-mail person, web designer/maintenance, self-appointed secretary, spokesperson….. that I haven’t listened or paid attention to what the inner me needs. What do I need to get rid of, what do I need to reinforce?

 

Sometimes we need a crisis to push into reality.  Not the reality of day-to-day life, but the reality of us…, what our soul is crying for and healing and growing that needs to take place.

B H  4/20/08 

Motherhood

 

I was walking through the parking lot at a Target store.  I was in a particularly serene space at the time, perhaps because the beauty of the day had seeped into my soul.

I don’t know where it came from.  I don’t really know what I was thinking about at the time or what may have triggered it. Did I see a mother and child and did that turn on a flash of maternal sorrow?

My thoughts turned to motherhood.  Like a wave washing over me, many feelings and emotions came up at once.  I actually felt the sense of motherly love. It emanated to me and from me at the same time.

In the next instant I found myself engulfed in a vast sadness which seemed to go right through my entire body.   I have never had a strong desire in this life to have children but in this space, I felt a deep grief.  It was as if, from my soul layers, the passages through the centuries, this physical body somehow remembered being a mother in a time long ago and, for a few seconds, was saddened that in this life, I’d chosen childlessness.

“What kind of mother would have I been?”  I thought.  Would have I been a friend perhaps, or a disciplinarian? Would I have been attentive or would I have ignored?

In the period of maybe 30 seconds I envisioned all of this.  I saw myself with my arms around a small child.  I heard its laughter and felt its joy.

As fast as it came upon me, it vanished.  Like smoke from an extinguished candle, it disappeared with the slightest movement of air. The desire to have experienced it buried itself back in its hiding place where my conscious body could not retrieve it.

Falling Water

 

 

I have a fountain that was given to me years ago.  It hasn’t been used much but recently I cleaned it out, washed all the stones and rinsed out the bottom.  After filling it with water and plugging it in, I took a long time to arrange the slate levels (sort of like steps) that the water trickles over.  From the assortment of rocks I carefully placed them to maximize the flow. It was then that I noticed something that also relates to our lives here on earth.

 

When I moved just one stone, the flow of water changed.  No matter how minuscule the difference was, the current shifted.  As I continued building my waterfall, I thought how this can be applied to our energy and actions.

 

Our flow of energy affects not only our lives, but those around us.  What we do or say or think changes things.  This is true even if the person isn’t in our direct vicinity; it is possible when we think about people or ‘send’ our thoughts in prayer.  Just as one small shift of a stone in the waterfall influences the direction of water, what we do has a connection to others.

 

Like a ripple in a pond, energy goes out, creating what we are putting into it, then returns to us.  Either a kind, loving, positive thought or something filled with anger, lack or fear, it manifests because we have given it life.  We have ‘moved the rock’ and ‘shifted the flow of water.’

 

Where are your thoughts going today?  How is the water in your life flowing?  Does it flow smoothly, with love, kindness, joy, abundance and gratitude?  Are you restricting it or damming it up with negativity, thoughts of lack, or hurtfulness?  Pay attention to these waters of life and how they flow, for one small shift can make a big difference.

 

Flow on, bubble along with happiness and joy in your day….

 

Blessings,

 

B H

1.1.08

 

 

 

 

Easter morning

Easter morning at the Farifax Hilton Garden Inn…., 3/23/08

 

In a chair for right-handers, light on the left, the shadow of my writing hand is casting a shadow on the paper. 

 

Holding the book, “The Seven Whispers”, asking for guidance, thinking of the meaning of Easter, spring, rebirth.  Thumbing the pages back and forth, knowing that what I find it what I will know.  From back to front the pages flip.  I open the book randomly to page 50 and read about the angel but something says; ‘read backwards’ and I do.  Flip back to page 46 and my eyes fall on the words, “Right now in my life.”  That’s all I read, then flip forward to page 49 and see, “The work does not need to be grand.”  (read entire paragraph)  then forward to the end of the chapter.  I hear, “The work will find you.”

 

This quest for Lowe’s does not define WHO you are but who you think you should be. This is not you.  It is a comfort zone where you, your brain thinks you should be, but DON’T think.

 

The work will find you – it is not ‘work’.  You are doing the work of the world.

 

We FEED each other spiritually.

 

I have called it down to me and it shall be.

 

I have said that I didn’t want to go back to work at Lowe’s and I am not.  From the fear-filled place, I think I have a right to be there – that I should, that I have a right. But no, the right is not mine – it is not right for me.  My terror filled mind, the mind of lack insists and controls this drive.  I listen to and believe the ‘shoulds’, the “I’m entitled to”, “There’s no reason I shouldn’t be hired”, and ‘Why not?, when it should be   WHY?  Why return to a place that I hated; one that controlled my life; took away my health and respect?

 

The reason IS…, that I’m NOT SUPPOSED TO BE THERE.

 

I return home and read what’s written here. Glancing to the bottom of the page is see, “Everything. Right where you need it” Another affirmation of everything IS OK.

 

B H 3/08

We feed each other spiritually….

We are spiritual, despite our attempts to deny it.  Our lives intersect with Creation in a thousand ways every day.  Not just in human terms, but with our pets, the other creatures that share this planet and the energy that most of us call GOD. Distractions assault us on  many levels.  In our hurried lives we often overlook the gentle whisperings of Spirit.  On this site, through my writings and experiences, I’d like to be a reminder of that whisper. My hope is to feed you….. spiritually.  Many Blessings…..  Bev